Review: Unknown

Other potential titles for this film:

• UNKNOWN REASONS WHY I WASTED MY TIME?
• UNKNOWN REASONS WHY LIAM NEESON WASTED HIS TIME MAKING THIS FILM
• WHY THIS MOVIE WAS EVEN MADE IS UNKNOWN

You get the picture, right?

Come on.

I'm not even a fan of Liam Neeson but really, really loved TAKEN so it's not like I'm being biased.

So.. okay... don't expect much:

Dr. Martin Harris (Neeson) and his wife Elizabeth (January Jones) travel to Germany from some bio-something-or-other conference. After landing and making their way to the hotel, Martin realizes he left his briefcase at the airport and jumps in a taxi to go get it. The taxi falls victim to a fridge or something falling off a truck, careens to avoid smashing into it and winds up crashing over the side of a bridge and into a river.

Personally, with my fear of bridges, I would have choses to go head on with the fridge but that's just me.

The taxi driver, Gina (Diana Kruger) pulls Martin out of the sinking cab and takes off.

Martin wakes up from a coma 4 days later with his memories kind of in tact but more then a little foggy and sets about to reunite with his wife. Only his wife doesn't know who he is.. even though she IS married to Dr. Martin Harris but he's now being played by Aidan Quinn.

Personally, I would go with Aidan Quinn myself but that's just me.

So now we fight through waves of molasses watching Neeson prove he is who he is.. running through Germany with Kruger being shot at and all this other nonsense.

There is a twist .. well, one that any novice movie watcher will catch on to right away.. that could have been semi interesting if it was done properly .. and probably the best scene in the movie was probably about 3 minutes long and between two secondary actors (Frank Langella and Bruno Ganz) .. other then that, HUGE waste of time.

Save your money .. save your time..

AND if you completely think I'm off base, well the only think I can say to that is your taste in movies is UNKNOWN.

I know.. I know.. cheesy.. but cut me some slack!

Review: The Dilemma

Oh man.

I soooooooo wanted to love this movie! I mean, come on! Vince Vaughn? Kevin James?

Tell me you can't watch ONE episode of King of Queens' and not spend half of it on the floor hysterical.

Such high hopes. Such a huge let down. I would have settled for just "liking" the damn movie.

Don't get me wrong.. there were some funny moments but everything seemed soooo draaagggged out that it didn't matter what was funny anymore because I just wanted it to end.

Vaughn and James play best friends from college who now own a small business doing something with car engines. They get a meeting with a big car manufacturer and that puts all kinds of pressure on Nick (Kevin James) who is just so not good under any kind of pressure.

Oh.. Queen Latifah play a car company executive and COMPLETELY steals every scene she's in.

Anyway, Ronny (Vaugh) discovers that Nick's wife Geneva (played by Winona Ryder who sounds like she either downed a few bottles of whiskey or smoked a carton of cigarettes.. maybe both) is cheating on him and there in lies the movie title.

Should he tell Nick? Should he wait to tell Nick until after the deal with the car exec? Should he press Geneva to tell Nick? Why doesn't he tell his OWN girlfriend (Jennifer Connelly) instead of letting her think that he's back to him gambling way?

Too much of a dilemma if you ask me.. everything is over the top and well, boring.

Check it out if you got absolutely nothing better to do but I would wait until it's on late night cable.

Review: Hereafter

Matt Damon is George.

George works in a factory.. eats alone every night.. is taking a cooking class.. and has a brother Billy who sees him as a money making tool.

Why?

Well, seems as though George has a very high fever as a child which in some convoluted way, left him psychic.

Yea, he talks to dead people.

Only George doesn't like talking to dead people so he refuses to do it..  he thinks that making a living talking to the dead isn't really living.

Um. Ok.

Then there's Molly, a French television news reporter who had a near death experience when caught in a tsunami. Molly doesn't have her "news edge" any longer so she is told to take a few weeks off to write a book (really? HUH?).. What does she write about? Yea.. the hereafter.

Marcus is a little London boy who's twin brother dies after being hit by a car. Since his mother is some screwed up junkie, England's version of CPS puts him in foster care. He spends his time searching the internet and going to fake psychics to talk to his brother one last time.

Do you see where this is going?

Yea.. but um.. it never got there.

At 122 minutes long, NOTHING happens in this movie until the last 10 minutes.. which really should have been the FIRST ten minutes. I really didn't believe that there could be a movie that was more boring that Buried but this one surpasses it.

And note to the film maker? If you're going to have the parts centered around Molly spoken in French and subtitled English then you better make damn sure the movie is compelling enough to keep the audience awake so that they'll actually READ the subtitles.

I was soooo bored out of my mind that reading them almost put me to sleep. Rather, brought me closer to sleep.

There was absolutely no freakin' point to this movie and not only wouldn't I recommend it.. I'd even go so far as to suggest you use the DVD version to scrape dried food from your microwave!

Review: Cyrus

If you were thinking (like I was) that this movie was going to be in the category of The 40 Year Old Virgin or Hot Tub Time Machine then you're going to be WAY off base.

The premise is ripe for that type of comedy:

Lonely, depressed man (John C. Reilly) fall for lonely, depressed woman (Marisa Tomei) who has an adult son (Jonah Hill) who's maybe just a little bit too close to his mother.

Can you just come up with about 50 or so potential scenes that would have you busting a gut?

Yea.

Me too.

Only this isn't a comedy like that. It's not even a dark comedy. It's really just bizarre. Too bizarre even for me.  And I like bizarre. But this is like, weirdo bizarre.

Reilly's John meets Tomei's Molly at a party where his ex wife and her future husband insist on getting him wrecked so that he can loosen up and meet women. He bombs.. of course.. but winds up striking up a convo with Molly as he pees in a bush. He appreciates her banter.. She appreciates his willingness to sing Human League karaoke. They hook up after the party and he drops head over heels over lose all sense of thinking ability.

John learns about Cyrus when he stalks her house while she's at work and Cyrus invites him in. There's something off about him.. there's something off about how he interacts with his mother.. there's just something off about the whole damn thing and it's creepy.

It takes John a while, but pretty soon he catches on that Cyrus is hell bent on breaking him and his mother up because he wants her all to himself. Molly is so wrapped up in her son (there's a picture of her breast feeding him when he was like, 7 or something) and can't admit the fact that this kid is 22 that it destroys the relationship.

I guess if I hadn't already had it in my mind that this was going to be one of those gross over the top comedies, I may have been able to get into it for what it is.. but you know, one of the first scenes is of John's ex wife catching him masturbating while he insists he just has jock itch so I don't think I'm wrong in expecting a different kind of movie. Plus, it was draggy.. very, very draggy.. omg.. SO draggy!

So no, I can't recommend this one. In fact, I can't even think of an instance where you'd want to watch it so just forget it even exists.

Review: The Tourist

If you need any further evidence that the universe is off kilter and maybe.. just maybe the Mayan's were right about the world ending in 2012.. then let me offer this:

There would have been NO WAY to convince me that I would not love a movie with both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp.

But then comes The Tourist.

I think, perhaps, this was suppose to be a different movie. Maybe one with just the right mix of sarcasm, wit and intelligence.

Hell.. maybe even one with a good script.

Hell.. MAYBE even one with good acting??????

Oh how it pains me to say these things!!

You know the story, right? European Femme Fatal seduces dopey American only to have Dopey American fall in love with her and screw up the plan that caused her to involve him in the first place.

It's been done before.. only better.

Angie's looking haggard (guess six kids will do that to you) and while she's always been easier on MY eyes, she had my ears bleeding with her fake British accent. It's almost as bad as Demi Moore's in The Scarlet Letter. Trust on that one.

Johnny Depp, as the Dopey American, practically sleep walks through the movie. It was all I could do to keep from shouting, "... come the hell ON, will ya?" .. Yes. That bad.

I will say that the movie redeemed itself in the 10 minutes or so but really, it was far too little.. far too late.

Pass on this one.. I wouldn't even part with a buck at the Red Box for it.

Review: Stone

I was looking forward to seeing this movie for a few reasons:

1. Nobody plays a psychotic/sociopath prison like Edward Norton. Just watch Primal Fear if you have any doubts.

2. I've been a fan of Robert DeNiro since 1978's The Deer Hunter

3. Milla Jovovich is definitely under rated as an actress and even though she's been is a slew of movies, she's unfortunately tagged with being the Resident Evil bitch

I was in the mood for a good movie.. one that I could really wrap my head around and mentally invest myself in.

DeNiro plays Jack, a parole officer a few weeks shy of retirement. One of his last cases is Stone, an 8 year inmate played by Edward Norton.

Doing time for setting his grandparent's house on fire after his cousin kills them, Stone is bugging to be paroled and enlists his wife, Jovovich to help by contacting Jack.

The movie starts with a lot of questions and never quite seems to answer them to my satisfaction, at least.

Was Jovovich's actions the initial intent?
Is Stone's new found religion a ploy?

There are a lot of subplots that are never really fully integrated into the story line. The opening scene shows a young Jack threatening to throw his child out a second floor window after his wife says she's leaving him. That scene is never discussed again and gives no insight to psyche.

The film ends with even more questions and while sometimes film that do that, do that well.. I was left feeling like I spent a few hours mixing up puzzle pieces only to lose one in the mix.

Or this may be the kind of film that you have to watch a few times to really get it's meaning.. I'll have to get back to you on that.

If you do see it, let me know what you think. Maybe I missed something. I hope so because it would be a shame to have let all that talent go to waste.

     

Review: Buried

Considering that Ryan Reynolds is this year's People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive you would think that spending two hours watching him and only him would cause any red blooded woman to sit back and swoon.

You would think that.

Sadly, I think I'd rather sit and stare and the People Magazine cover for two hours instead of watching this movie.

Reynold's plays a private contractor in Iraq. His convoy of kitchen utensils gets attacked and the next thing he knows he wakes up in a box, buried alive. He has a zippo, a flask, his anti-anxiety meds (what?) and a cell phone.

That's all you know too. There are no flash backs.. no other actor's ( other then voices ).. no third person view.

I guess the intention was to have the audience in the dark as much as Reynold's character was.. but that just made it harder to form any kind of bond with the character. Did he take this job because his house was about to be forclosed and his wife was pregnant with his sixth child? Dunno. Did he need the money to help his alcoholic father pay for rehab? Dunno.

All you know is that he's in a box.

The cell phone is the supporting actor in this movie. The kidnappers use it to demand 5 million dollars.. then 1 million ( would you take the price of a movie ticket? ) .. and Reynolds uses it to first call 911 (really?) and then the company he worked for (seriously?) and then finally, the FBI and State Department.


Now, I can't say what my demeanor or thought process would be if I was working for a private contractor in Iraq and woke up buried alive in a box with a cell phone but something tells me it wouldn't be what his was. 911? Really?

Seriously, there were SO MANY things this dude could have done that would have helped the people trying to help him.

I'm not going to tell you whether he gets out of the box or not .. if I spent two hours waiting for this movie to make any sense then the least I can do is give you the option to do the same .. and maybe, give you the opportunity to offer your take on it.

Maybe I was just having a bad night.. but I don't think so.

Recap: The Fashion Show S2E1

Y'know sometimes imitation ISN'T the sincerest form of flattery.

Sometimes imitation is just another way of saying OMG! We Fucked Up!

Which is what I think Bravo was thinking when lost Project Runway and witchery stitched The Fashion Show.

Even thought I wasn't impressed AT ALL with Season 1 and basically just watched it because it was the only thing On Demand at 3am I figured I'd give Season 2 a shot.

Truth be told, I had forgotten all about it. But beings that it is now 2am and the opener is on BravoTv.Com I figured what the hell.. I had too much coffee so sleeping isn't an option right now!

Isaac Mizrahi (didn't he used to be like.. a BIG deal back in the day?) and Iman are the hosts and I have to tell you, I haven't even been though the opening credits yet and hearing Iman say ".. yull owt uf fasheen" is starting to great on my nerves.

Even though the designers had to put on a fashion show in the first five minutes of the episode, the premise this season is one "house" versus the other with the gaggle of designers split into two teams .. um.. "houses".

Stand outs were Calvin Tran .. who really SHOULD have stood out since he owns three stores in three major US fashion markets, don't you think?

I like Rolando Tamez Jr. but I think it's only because he's adorable. Sort of like a young Lou Diamond Philips (MAjor crush when I was a teen!)

I really dug Tamara Jones's coat and her attitude. She's a 'hood girl and I mean that with all the love and respect another 'hood girl can give her!

I would definitely wear Eduardo Del Las Casas confection.. that is, if I was 20 with legs that went on for miles and a size -0 ass!

Anyway.. so after the runway show, Iman tips out like she's had Botox IV'd in her joints and tells the designers that they were to use her as their muse for the first challenge and then drops the bombshell that they're going to be in teams.

Their looks are priceless.. especially the ones who were already talking smack about their competitors!

The blue team, renamed NAMI ( Iman backwards.. get it?) consists of Mike, Dominique, Cesar, Rolando, Edwardo and David,  all seem calm, laid back, open to suggestions and definitely working like a team.

The green team, renamed EMERALD SYX (don't ask) is the polar opposite. Calvin, Tamara, Francine, Golnessa, Cindy and Jeffry all have strong personalities and Calvin is nothing short of a complete diva bitch. His best line of the night was ".. I am the team, you have no opinion". Like I said.. diva bitch!

Time leading up to the runway show is just what you expect... bickering.. panic.. trash talking.. same old same old. What I did like about TFS's runway is that it's a production. The Houses' work with a runway producer so it's more then just PR's drab catwalk. Kudos.

Emerald Syx presents their collection first .. a drug induced rainbow of bright yellows, purples, navy and some other color that I can't remember right now. Honestly wasn't impressed. All the pieces, except for Calvin's gown, looked like something coming out of a freshman sewing class. Or maybe that's just the way it came off on tv.

Nami's collection is a study in white, as we'd say in my old art school days. And let me tell you.. I'd wear every single one of those creations... if I could fit in them!

Hands down, the clear winner is Nami. No question.

I'm not going to go into individual pieces because there are so many designers and this post is already long enough.

Ceaser won the individual honor with is subtle grey printed one shoulder gown.

The losing designer... the one who's owt uf fasheen was Franchine.

But not before Calvin got a dressing down for his attitude.

While I think this may be fun to watch when there's absolutely nothing better to watch, I'm still giving it a thumbs down.

Review: Paranormal Activity 2

Oh brother.

Where do I begin?

Y'know.. I wasn't a big fan of the first Paranormal Activity. It was a semi-cool premise but I remember thinking at the time that the writer focused on the wrong things and went completely absurd with the whole finding of an exorcism gone bad vlog.

When I saw the trailer for PA2, I figured.. yknow.., that the whole thing with the baby and the dog might.. MIGHT.. have a little promise and maybe.. MAYBE.. the writer would have learned his lesson from the first one and really make an exceptional mind flipping film.

No.,. it's not street drugs I'm smoking.

The movie is only 78 minutes long. By the 60 minute mark, I was ready to dump the popcorn and be on my way because I've never sat through something SO BORING in my life. It was almost painful. The climax happens in the last five minutes and is viewed through what is suppose to be a night vision video camera. Couldn't tell you what the hell happened because nothing made sense.

A few things that could have been interesting but really didn't bridge the gap with anything stronger then Tarzan vines are the facts that this movie is suppose to have been filmed two months prior to the first one .. Micah and Katie make an appearance and his visit is what is suppose to have started his love affair with video taping everything.

Katie is the sister of the movies baby's mama and remember in the first one where Katie supposedly has had a demon following her for all her life? Well.. wouldn't you think that when starts to go hokey she wouldn't be so dismissive of it?

Another weird thing that tried to tie the two movies together is the photo o the little dead relative girl. The one that supposedly burned in a fire? Yea. well.. it shows up here with the same damn line and somewhere at the end someone burns it. Why? Have no idea. Doesn't make sense.

The other randomly bizarre made no sense at all moment happened at the very end. I'm not going to give it away but words flashed up on the screen saying so and so haven't been seen.. but we did see so and so and know where so and so was and know what happened to so and so ... stupid.

Personally, I wouldn't waste my time or money to see this. Well.. unless it was a date and someone else way paying I guess would be ok. But seriously, I wouldn't even through a dollar in Red Box to rent it. Catch it when it comes on a free cable movie channel or something like that 'cause this is really two thumbs AND two toes down